FEST Writing Group

Reflections
In an era of societal polarization how can I understand the power of the emotional system to manipulate me? One way: take time to think and write about an emotional event. That is my purpose here.

What are the emotional triggers preventing me from acting with greater emotional maturity and living more optimally? When am I vulnerable to loosing self in relationships? A good example occurred when my granddaughters wanted to go to The Woman’s March in Washington, D. C and have their voices hear. It took time to understand that their request activated a fear response based on old memories of the impact of the Vietnam war, WWI and II, on my family life. Initially just feeling anxious and not knowing what was going on, I started asking questions: How much thinking and how much feeling goes into taking a stand? Can anyone take a stand for self and not be against others? Will those who are different become, the “enemy?” If so how long before one’s family is the enemy? If we want agreement from others, how much are we trying to control others? Can I understand more about emotional reactivity? Will talking about it help me move a bit away from automatic responses?

Differences in our ability to feel safe.
Different generations, different faiths, different social positions, different values. All these differences exist and are highlighted in times like this. Our brains are stressed with these differences. Our physiology responds and is on high alert or shut down. The reactions can produce damaging cortisol, increased adrenaline. The fear about the other becomes chemical, reinforcing the feeling that those who are different are the enemy. Differences breed fear and translate into becoming afraid of others. Wait, perhaps this is not rational? How can we stand up for what we believe, relate well and respect the values of others?

Our emotional system does not routinely answer these questions. Waiting gives time for reflection and helps to recognize the drivers of fear and begin to integrate our thinking and feeling system. One can ask what part of our brain is running the show? Can we sort out facts from the use and abuse of fear? That process helps.

The March
The march developed in opposition to the direction of Donald Trump. Many friends and family warned me not to go. They recalled the 1970’s when fear, anger, tear gas and the shooting of students marked the resistance to the Vietnam War. I hesitated to go due to memories and those who were telling me not to go. Asking questions, thinking about the past and identifying the anxiety helped me to see this emotional process. Then I could hear my granddaughters hopes for going to stand up for a better future. They wanted to express their opposition to Trump and his tweets. They are concerned about the environment, civil rights and being rational about immigrants. Standing up for one’s values always sounds good but it can also fuel the reactivity in the emotional system. It fueled my anxiety and that of the social group that is a part of my relationship system.

Arriving at the Capital we found friendly, energetic strangers. Most had signs stating their purpose many of which were funny. No one was angry or threatening. The closer we got to the stage, the more we saw there was no room to march. Stuck behind the stage, surrounded by the muted sound of the milling crowd, I moved towards the walled off VIP area. The girls were unsure about this idea but I thought there might be a way to get information or find a way out about the crowd. We found our way to the fence. The security people told us the situation was hopeless. There was no plan for this large of a crowd. Eventually the man next to me tried to get his friend David’s attention. I joined in. “David, David.” David came over and said, “Jump over.” My new friend said he could not. I put my leg up on the fence and said, “I can.” Everyone laughed. “OK, you can come too.” I grabbed Madeline and Isabelle and in we went. Being able to be separate from the crowd and think for myself was a relief.

Once over the fence there was room to breathe. Alicia Keys was singing, “Girl on Fire” then Janelle Monae led a chant; “Say her Name…. Sandra Bland.” Angela Davis spoke eloquently and quietly of sacrifices needed to gain respect for minorities. After that surge of emotional lyrics came the super woman in orange football player pants. Madonna welcomed us to the love revolution, “It took this horrific moment of darkness to wake us the f— up.” Hopefully a better tweet will emerge. There in the shadow of The National Museum of the American Indian, we welcomed the spokespeople for the original at risk group. Will this march bring greater awareness and cooperation? Will it build to a political force to advocate for positive change? Will people retreat and spin more devil stories about the others? Was the march a work of art, like a Buddhist Mandala, where at the end of the day the sand art is blown into the wind?

Our ruling emotional system.
One automatically responds to the feeling state, that is emotional. We perceive events and people as threats, we are influenced to strive pleasure, and avoid pain. Emotions can direct us to preserve the status-quo, most often by scapegoating the vulnerable. The social system around us can be driven by these automatic emotions. Yet, emotions also encourage us to deal with anxiety by being playful and caring for others. We know the brain itself does not perceive the outside world objectively. How then do I sort out a more mature direction for self despite the internal and external upsets?

One can learn to “see” the emotional system as it controls our functioning. One can remember that you say I am for “x”, then the “y” must arise. By defining to the group what I value, others will oppose. When attacked, there is a push back. This is the way of systems. Changes come about slowly. One step forward, a half step back. Eventually the system will find a new balance. .

Reflections on living optimally by observing one’s response to the emotional system.
Once triggered and recognized the automatic arousal of fear need to be overcome. While my initial fear of the January march was based in memories of the past; the more rational thinking system could overcome these fears and hear the principles which my granddaughters were advocating. Then the joyful crowd offered evidence this was a good decision; no, we were not in a war. But then being caught in the crowd engendered the feeling that “this is a hopeless situation.” Then the thinking system developed a plan. Resistance surfaced to my plan. I used the energy of the feeling system to go against the negative response to the plan and was playful with the security people. At the same time my thinking system needed to calculate the risk of playfully putting my leg up and over the fence. The calculation worked and David responded positively. This story is just one example of living optimally. Clarifying the natural functioning of the emotional system, understanding stressful triggers, enabled me to think and respond with greater clarity. The granddaughters experienced a never give up moment and a grandmother who could slowly think in the middle of emotionality. Relationships and life experiences do improve with increasing knowledge of the emotional system. The outcome -better defined people who can articulate “that this is me and this is what I will or will not do.”

Finally, here is a quote from Murray Bowen, MD found on a videotape at The National Library Of Medicine and soon to be on the web site http://www.murraybowenarchives.org/intro-archives.html I videotaped Dr. Bowen at this conference in Green Bay, Wisconsin, April 19-20, 1990, which occurred six months before Dr. Bowen died.
Individuality comes from inside self. You don’t take it to the group to find out. If you do not know where you stand, then ask your neighbor. How are you going to stand up if you do not know yourself?  Most people do not want to bother.