some thoughts on emotional cutoff: and bridging emotional cutoff
These segments are from a slideshow I did for a webcast in March for the Rutgers Bowen theory trainees. I wanted to look at the material again this week, as my 24-year-old moved out two days ago to live with friends. The triangle of son, his dad, and me has significantly resolved over the past two years, it has seemed. I laughed out loud this past week when my husband said: “in your eyes, he can do no wrong.” I would like to take advantage of a life transition to look at a renewed effort.
One question regarding cutoff is: What is going on? that it has been demonstrated to have a profound effect on marriage, reproduction, parenting, likelihood of child abuse, resolution of trauma, immigration, and survival of societal oppression. Its importance must be related to the family functioning as a unit. Bowen’s concept of cutoff and its effects on families is based in observation, inductive rather than deductive reasoning. He describes how it occurs in families, how it affects families and future generations, but he doesn’t explain why. We don’t know why emotional cutoff has the profound effect that it does.
“The more a nuclear family maintains some kind of viable emotional contact with past generations, the more orderly and asymptomatic the life process in both generations.” Bowen, p. 383
And . . .
Relative openness does not increase the level of differentiation but it reduces anxiety and a continued low level of anxiety permits motivated family members to begin slow steps toward better differentiation.” Bowen, p. 537
When I look at one of the concepts, like emotional cutoff, it ends up leading to all the others as well. More fully bridging emotional cutoff would lead to bringing up observations of emotional process, not just staying in touch. Then taking an outside position–well, just bringing it up puts one in the outside position, as it stirs uncomfortable feelings in people. My husband’s comment today: “You need to stop being yourself.” Knowing Bowen theory makes it possible to stir up discomfort systematically–who would do that on purpose without the theory as a guide?
What am I missing? What is the next step? The key is the long view, to keep the effort going to touch on the hidden emotional process, keep finding ways to bring it up. Working on the language, the tone, what and how it is said, staying alive. It’s a whole other level of life, of bridging emotional cutoff, of working toward differentiation of self—than just everybody doing fine and keeping in touch. It’s a practice, which takes time for planning and implementing, beyond living a good life.
Laurie,
Congratulations on your son moving out. How far away did he move? How often will he be back, and for what purposes? I think you have opportunity here for a research project…the endless variations in one triangle.
The point for me is just how hard it is to see emotional process and to take a stand, to bump into it, as it flows through the one’s we love and care deeply for, winding its way all around us….
It easy to say that they are responding to the way life SHOULD be if we were to follow the instinctive life that is in each of us.
But the read deal is – can you see it and if so what are any of us ready to do?
The easy way – follow the path, save the marriage and kill the kid; or kill the husband and save the kid…
How do you talk about that without people shutting you down calling you crazy or just too, too much?
One day we will know more about language and the brain and how language clearly shows how we encroach on others, run from them, give up on self, freeze or deny, internalize get sick, or stick with old fashion projection.
At our present time I can speculate and not explain well enough how our language is in the brain reflecting our biochemistry, predicting our behavior and making it difficult for us to reflect on what we are doing.
Our brain is a big conformation seeking machine…
Therefore greatly appreciate those who are willing to risk, to expose how one is in relationships to the programing of the emotional system.
I enjoy reading reports from people who are having fun spelling it out – slowly but surely making emotional process just a bit more acceptable to see and to talk about.
HI Laurie:
I did not get a chance to comment on this in June. I am always interested in your effort in the primary triangle in the nuclear family. I can relate to that as I too live in a family with one primary triangle. What I see is that when I can keep the focus on regulating me, the whole process calms down. Then it becomes the challenge of not accepting calm as evidence of progress but rather a better environment to focus on opportunities to bring up observations of the emotional system…Thinking different has a cost…..I need to free myself so I can pay the price more often. Thanks so much for your thinking. ann
Laurie,
Here are some of my thoughts about how emotional process leads to cutoff of the young adult after reading your entry
I’m thinking that that “whole other level of life” of differentiation of self is behind a reaction like laughing out loud, when, after operating in the outside position, one’s spouse or any beloved reacts as if you are with the other and not with them. I’m thinking about how basic being alone in the outside position is to understanding the other parent’s position and not getting anxious and reactive while working to get beyond the pattern to emotional contact with the person.
I think the child will react and distance to discomfort in response to the sensitivity between the parents- usually feeling one parent’s pain at the hand of the other, in some cases back and forth between them, or in response to the emotional weight of one parent on them. The patterns like the triangle, anxiety binding mechanisms and cutoff come alive with increased anxiety which can come with the young adult’s shift toward more separateness from the parents even when progress has put a pattern to rest at a lower level of stress.
My final thought is what one does is more likely to have impact than what one says – while it is also true that saying is a form of doing. One can think we are doing one thing, and are actually doing another – which is just a general observation.
I find it hopeful for us all that the ongoing observation and research is key towards increasing clarity.
Laura
I appreciate this post and the interesting responses it has prompted. I was taken with your description of bridging cut off and working on DoS as a practice, a discipline demanding time, planning and thought. I find it so easy to coast along as long as there are no crises. Inevitably, the process in my family will lead to something too problematic to be blind to and I wake up. There would be so much to learn if I could keep my attention on the process in my family before someone is diagnosed with cancer or earns a flunking grade.