Last night I was dining with my 80-year-old mother and my niece. It was Mother’s first meal at the assisted living facility she moved into the day prior. The salad was fresh, the chicken nuggets weren’t, and Mom was distressed. A strained smile tried to still her quivering lip.
“I know I shouldn’t say this, but I don’t belong here.” Mom repeated.
Thankfully my niece is a wonderful listener.
When the conversation paused, you might have seen my gaze turn inward.
It was as if the plain white screen, upon which my life is projected, gently brightened. It sparkled. It moved. The background-self shimmered into foreground.
The stillness of this screen seemed expansive, with a palpable sense of abstractness. If past perception was like looking at a clean glass of fresh water, this was like seeing hydrogen and oxygen. Here was the perceiver beneath the perceived.
A half-smile glimmered. I gazed into mother’s disoriented eyes.
It was not like a visitation by an angel. This was an aspect of myself, near me and beyond me at the same time. I was aware of my surroundings; the silver-haired women slowly chewed, the bright spoons rested on the table, my niece’s brown eyes. Some fog over my lens had cleared, as on the coldest January days, when no Vermont wind can gather, and our high white peaks kneel closer. On these negative-degree days, the bluer regions settle down with the treetops. The barrier of warmth gives way to glistening stillness.
Was this a state of cool disassociation? There was an absence of irritation and frustration.
What is death? I felt there could be no real tragedy here. Things considered terribly important occupied a secondary status.
It was a gentle differentiation.
We are trapped within time, but with timelessness too.
Hi Erik:
Beautifully written. Very thoughtful. Thank you.
Erik,
You write poetically and with a sense of time having slowed and perceptions sharpened.
Am I right that you are saying that you identify self with all that is background to events – aka timelessness?
It is a profound shift to settle one’s aging mother into assisted living as her independence as it was is behind her and you have drawn a boundary with her.
For me,the same event has been part of a shift that continued/continues in the multigenerational unit that includes not only her and me, but also my siblings, children, nieces and nephews, my uncle and cousins & grandchild. It has put me in a new position in the family system.
Thank you for your question Laura.
Why did that tangible experience of “background self” or “perceiver” moving into foreground bring with it the distinct aroma of timelessness? Boundlessness? I’m really not sure. Self is a most intriguing object of perception. In the ancient literature, it is stated that the true nature of the perceiver transcends time and space. In one state of development, objects of perception “overshadow” that aspect of self, creating identification with objects of perception, including other people. In another stage, that timeless aspect of the “background self” is maintained even while observing the objects of perception, including other people. This produces a sharpening of perception of those objects and also a liberating disidentification with them.
I am exploring the possibility that this relates in some way to differentiation of self.
What challenges to that hypothesis can you all offer for me to consider?
As in your family, the change in mother has brought about big shifts among my four siblings. Having an important task to accomplish has re-shaped us into a more focused cooperative unit.
Erik,
It’s been awhile since I read Antonio Damassio’s book, Self Comes to Mind. Have you read it?
As I remember it, it is about the neurobiology of the perceiver, the self in the background and how the perceiver becomes conscious of self in relation to the perceived. What was described did seem like a process of differentiation to me. Maybe there is a connection there.
Laura
The power of a mother’s distress. You capture the moment vividly and
poetically, Erik.
A well-written description of the kind of experience that is difficult to put into words . . .
“We are trapped within time, but with timelessness too.”
And what is the relationship of one to the other?
Laurie