FEST Writing Group

By Erik Thompson

This essay explores the proposal that sages from the past can inform us about the nature of higher stages of differentiation of self.  

In these three pages from the final chapter of War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy, the main character, Pierre, reflects on a state of liberation that has emerged after an arduous journey through the Russian Napoleonic war in 1812.  His tribulations include imprisonment and forced march by the French, where many fellow prisoners died. Tolstoy describes a permanent change in a nervous, bright, insecure, seeking person, who now acts in ways that are remarkable to himself and those around him. He describes the de-embedded self-state of Pierre and shows us how it results in a differentiated way of relating to others- the effect of his non-anxious presence.  Tolstoy links this state to a kind of spirituality, an experiential connection with a living source beyond words, rules and religious affiliations. 

As you read this passage, I invite you to consider:

1. Which phrases speak to you of differentiation of self?
2. Which do you find inspiring?
3. Are there phrases that you find contradictory to differentiation of self?

The parenthetical comments are mine.  I conclude the essay with some of my own reflections.

“A joyous feeling of freedom- that complete inalienable freedom natural to man- which he had first experienced at the first halt outside Moscow- filled Pierre’s soul during his convalescence. He was surprised to find that this inner freedom, which was independent of external conditions, now had as it were an additional setting of external liberty…’Oh, how good! How splendid!” said he to himself when a cleanly laid table was moved up to him with savory beef tea, or when he lay down for the night on a soft, clean bed… By old habit he asked himself the question: “Well, and what then? What am I going to do?” And he immediately gave himself the answer: “Well, I shall live. Ah, how splendid!” The very question that had formerly tormented him, the thing he had continually sought to find- the aim of life- no longer existed for him now. That search for the aim of life had not merely disappeared temporarily- he felt that it no longer existed for him and could not present itself again. And this very absence of an aim gave him the complete, joyous sense of freedom which constituted his happiness at this time.

He could not see an aim, for he now had faith- not faith in any kind of rule, or words, or ideas, but faith in an ever-living, ever-manifest God. Formerly he had sought Him in aims he set himself. That search for an aim had been simply a search for God, and suddenly in his captivity he had learned not by words or reasoning but by direct feeling what his nurse had told him long ago: that God is here and everywhere. In his captivity he had learned that in Karatáev (a fellow prisoner- a peasant he came to revere) God was greater, more infinite and unfathomable than in the “Architect of the Universe” (a book he once revered) recognized by the Freemasons. He felt like a man who after straining his eyes to see into the far distance finds what he sought at his very feet. All his life he had looked over the heads of the men around him, when he should have merely looked in front of him without straining his eyes.

In external ways Pierre had hardly changed at all. In appearance he was just what he used to be. As before he was absent-minded and seemed occupied not with what was before his eyes but with something special of his own (his sense of self). The difference between his former and present self was that formerly when he did not grasp what lay before him or was said to him, he had puckered his forehead painfully as if vainly seeking to distinguish something at a distance. At present he still forgot what was said to him and still did not see what was before his eyes, but he now looked with a scarcely perceptible and seemingly ironic smile at what was before him and listened to what was said, though evidently seeing and hearing something quite different. Formerly he had appeared to be a kindhearted but unhappy man, and so people had been inclined to avoid him. Now a smile at the joy of life always played round his lips, and sympathy for others shone in his eyes with a questioning look as to whether they were as contented as he was, and people felt pleased by his presence.

Previously he had talked a great deal, grew excited when he talked, and seldom listened; now he was seldom carried away in conversation and knew how to listen so that people readily told him their most intimate secrets.

The princess (his half-sister), who had never liked Pierre and had been particularly hostile to him since she had felt herself under obligations to him after the old count’s death (wherein Pierre was named the heir to his fortune), now after staying a short time in Orël- where she had come, intending to show Pierre that in spite of his ingratitude, she considered it her duty to nurse him – felt to her surprise and vexation that she had become fond of him. Pierre did not in any way seek her approval, he merely studied her with interest. Formerly she had felt that he regarded her with an irony, and so had shrunk into herself as she did with others, and had shown him only the combative side of her nature; but now he seemed to be trying to understand the most intimate places of her heart, and, mistrustfully at first, but afterwards gratefully, she let him see the hidden, kindly sides of her character.

…There was a new feature in Pierre’s relations with Willarski (a former mentor), with the princess, with the doctor, and with all the people he now met, which gained for him the general good will. This was his acknowledgment of the impossibility of changing a man’s convictions by words, and his recognition of the possibility of everyone thinking, feeling, and seeing things each from his own point of view. This legitimate peculiarity of each individual which used to excite and irritate Pierre now became a basis of the sympathy he felt for, and the interest he took in, other people. The difference, and sometimes complete contradiction, between men’s opinions and their lives, and between one man and another, pleased him and drew from him an amused and gentle smile.

In practical matters Pierre unexpectedly felt within himself a center of gravity (the Self) he had previously lacked. Formerly all pecuniary questions, especially requests for money to which, as an extremely wealthy man, he was very frequently exposed, produced in him a state of hopeless agitation and perplexity. “To give or not to give?” he had asked himself. “I have it and he needs it. But someone else needs it still more. Who needs it most? And perhaps they are both impostors?” In the old days he had been unable to find a way out of all these surmises and had given to all who asked as long as he had anything to give. Formerly he had been in a similar state of perplexity with regard to every question concerning his property, when one person advised one thing and another something else.

Now to his surprise he found that he no longer felt either doubt or perplexity about these questions. There was now within him a judge who by some rule unknown to him decided what should or should not be done.

He was as indifferent as heretofore to money matters, but now he felt certain of what ought and what ought not to be done. The first time he had recourse to this new judge was when a French prisoner, a colonel, came to him and, after talking a great deal about his exploits, concluded by making what amounted to a demand that Pierre should give him four thousand francs to send to his wife and children. Pierre refused without the least difficulty or effort, and was afterwards surprised how simple and easy had been what used to appear so insurmountably difficult. At the same time that he refused the colonel’s demand he made up his mind that he must have recourse to artifice when leaving Orël, to induce the Italian officer to accept some money of which he was evidently in need. 

Willarski was going to Moscow and they agreed to travel together. During the whole time of his convalescence in Orël Pierre had experienced a feeling of joy, freedom, and life; but when during his journey he found himself in the open world and saw hundreds of new faces, that feeling was intensified. Throughout his journey he felt like a schoolboy on holiday. Everyone-the stagecoach driver, the post-house overseers, the peasants on the roads and in the villages-had a new significance for him. The presence and remarks of Willarski who continually deplored the ignorance and poverty of Russia and its backwardness compared with Europe only heightened Pierre’s pleasure. Where Willarski saw deadness Pierre saw an extraordinary strength and vitality- the strength which in that vast space amid the snows maintained the life of this original, peculiar, and unique people. He did not contradict Willarski and even seemed to agree with him—an apparent agreement being the simplest way to avoid discussions that could lead to nothing-and he smiled joyfully as he listened to him.”

War and Peace, Book 15:4, Pages 1226-1230

Reflection Questions:  

Now that you have read the passage, I invite you to consider the reflection questions listed above.

1. Which phrases speak to you of differentiation of self?
2. Which do you find inspiring?
3. Are there phrases that you find contradictory to differentiation of self?

Author’s Commentary:

Here are some of the links between Tolstoy’s description of Pierre’s self-state and differentiation of self:

1. It is “independent of external conditions”. 
2. It does not rely on emotional distance and is stable amidst intense social interaction. “Pierre had experienced a feeling of joy, freedom, and life; but when during his journey he found himself in the open world and saw hundreds of new faces, that feeling was intensified.”
3. It is free of anxious mentation. “The very question that had formerly tormented him, the thing he had continually sought to find- the aim of life- no longer existed for him now. That search for the aim of life had not merely disappeared temporarily- he felt that it no longer existed for him and could not present itself again.”
4. It is free from ineffective impulses to change others. “This was his acknowledgment of the impossibility of changing a man’s convictions by words, and his recognition of the possibility of everyone thinking, feeling, and seeing things each from his own point of view.”
5. It is sure of itself under social pressure- Pierre can refuse requests “without the least difficulty or effort”.
6. It is present with others.  “Previously he had talked a great deal, grew excited when he talked, and seldom listened; now he was seldom carried away in conversation, and knew how to listen so that people readily told him their most intimate secrets.”
7. It is attractive to others. “Now a smile at the joy of life always played round his lips, and sympathy for others shone in his eyes with a questioning look as to whether they were as contented as he was, and people felt pleased by his presence.”
8. It is separate yet generous. “He did not contradict Willarski and even seemed to agree with him—an apparent agreement being the simplest way to avoid discussions that could lead to nothing-and he smiled joyfully as he listened to him.”

And here is potentially new information about higher stages of differentiation suggested in the passage:

1. It is joyous and natural. “A joyous feeling of freedom- that complete inalienable freedom natural to man… filled Pierre’s soul during his convalescence.”  Differentiation is not a dry state of scientific correctness.
2. It is spontaneous and effortless.  “There was now within him a judge who by some rule unknown to him decided what should or should not be done.” The technique of effort in Bowen theory is not the goal. Long term efforts should result in a transition to effortless differentiation.  If they do not, it reveals a fly in the ointment.  Sophisticated effortful thinking toward differentiation can be mistaken for the goal. 
3. It is characterized by stable, refined feelings, a spontaneous condition of self. He achieves his joyous sureness “not by words or reasoning but by direct feeling”.

Tolstoy, Differentiation of Self, and Transcendence:

The stability of Pierre’s state, and its connection to what he calls God, is resonant with this quote from ancient India.  

“Yoga, or Union of the mind with the divine intelligence, begins when the mind gains transcendental consciousness; Yoga achieves maturity when this transcendental bliss-consciousness, or divine Being, has gained ground in the mind to such an extent that, in whatever state the mind finds itself, whether waking or sleeping, it remains established in the state of Being. …This balanced state of mind is the result of the eternal contentment which comes with bliss consciousness. It cannot be gained by creating a mood of equanimity in loss and gain, as commentators have generally thought.”

-Maharishi Mahesh Yogi on the Bhagavad Gita 2:48 pg. 135

Here we see the potential link between differentiation and the direct experience of transcendental Being. When self is embedded in objects of experience- such as what our mother is saying, our wife is planning, our niece is smoking- we are destined to suffer. Our problem is not so much what they are doing. Our problem is our self-state. Pierre’s awakening is consistent with the possibility of a differentiated transcendental self. In undifferentiation we have lost our essential self. Ancient philosophers assert that our essential, universal self is by nature differentiated, forever free. Suffering is related to the degree to which our essential self is embedded in objects of experience, rather than free to enjoy those objects while remaining in a state of joyful objective separateness. This de-embedded self-state is a one of non-anxious presence. It is connected, loving and free. It is natural to wish a neighbor didn’t yell, a candidate would lose, a child had more healthy habits, but if these situations produce suffering, it is not the due to the other, but the condition of self.  The desire to possess a certain outcome in self or others is a symptom of embeddedness. 

There are 10,000 ways for the essential self to be embedded. Bowen theory details some primary categories. It can be lost in fear of being the outsider in a triangle. It can be lost in estrangement from someone we cannot stop thinking about. Or in preoccupation with the idea that something is wrong with us- that the problem in our family is our fault. It can be lost in the idea that we have got to fix someone. Bowen theory offers a simple idea about the best way out. The solution doesn’t vary amongst the varieties of embeddedness. It is a uni-solution. The theory is complex, but non-anxious presence is simple. 

Those knowledgeable about transcendence assert that the essential self is not material. It is not biological. The essential self infuses biology with consciousness- not the other way around. The essential self is not embedded in biology, by nature free of objects of experience. To know the vastness of biology as it unfolds through time, which Einstein asserted was curved, and to know that our human family is part and parcel of biology, with its symbiotic naked mole rat brothers, and sea squirt sisters, is to get a glimpse of the essential self.  The essential self pulses within us, flinging thoughts from its non-material well into our mind. We later mistake the water for the well.  We experience thoughts as our essential self.  One can’t really know the source of thoughts by thinking about them. To pry the self free requires we directly experience the source of thoughts- inner silence. If we suffer in our attachment to our beautiful children, or wring our hands in the evening over all that we cannot control, we can (perhaps with the help of Bowen theory) see that there is little we can directly control outside of us. But there is something we can do about what Bowen called “own damn self”.  If it is de-embedded from the problem, we begin to become a non-anxious presence. 

When we discover the non-material essential self, if we directly experience its unbounded silence, we become free of the cloak of Erik Thompson. We crack open death and become a non-anxious now. We become a small steady fountain of family health. We are differentiated from the material world, from our biology, from our evolutionary heritage, from the cacophony of political misery, the warring citizenry, and even our own story, our own multi-generational history, our own family (who we adore). We are free together, and free apart, freer in grief, because we know our eternal self as a living experience. 

This person has been called by many names, some have called him father, some have called him lover, some have called him fool, some have called him annoying, and I have called him myself. But he is not myself, I will call him my friend, but he is not myself. He is a traveler. He is a costume. One I enjoy wearing. His family is all mammals, cells and planets (whose brothers and sisters have a father as well and form another system). But the infinite self is the one thing that is, and is not a system.

A man in Indonesia wakes up in the morning and says the self is not spiritual, at the very same moment in Brazil a woman lays her head upon the pillow and thinks the self is spiritual. The irony- they mean the exact same thing!

-Erik Thompson