FEST Writing Group

We see blame and scapegoating in politics and just about everywhere today. Most of the candidates can easily find something to complain about, and mock the others, and sure enough their poll numbers go up. Understanding how automatically small two against one triangles begin in the family, whereby one person is scapegoated to bring the group together, might give us some insight into these larger political systems. As we become aware of these polarizing mechanism, there is more that can be done to resist the instinctive urge to go along with ostracizing some for the benefits of others. Both in the small family and in the larger society people are more and more aware of the down side of blame and the use of the triangle. A family leader or a political figure that can be loose and momentarily outside the control of triangle can free the system. In Chinese philosophy they descried such a leader as following “the way” or wu-wei.

Mechanisms to manage anxiety in a family unit or in society are so smooth and so automatic that we barely notice that the anxiety has been absorbed by the “looser.”  The end result of a triangling blaming the other person is cut off.  People have to get away from one another. At times it seems so very logical when someone says: “I “choose” to have nothing to do with my great aunts and eventually hety can say it about the husband and/or the children.”  No one thinks, “Oh my God, it’s a triangle, the anxiety my or his/her parents had, has landed in my marriage.” We do not see the flow of anxiety. We can often see that the cause of trouble is outside of self. Now if we can just find someone to tell and they agree the triangle is formed. The scapegoat chosen and two against one wins the day.

What does it take to doubt logic and to see emotional processes? What does it take to see how triangles distribute anxiety? If you can see it, then just seeing how the system works for a minute or two can creates some confusion and anger and even disappointment.  However, if you’re aware, there are things you can do to cope more adequately with side taking..  If you are unaware and in blaming state then you can miss the system that surrounds or reinforces or the problems..

The fact is that for most of us it can take years to train ourselves to notice the way relationships shift silently in the night and to be willing to take an action stance to do something about the part we play in these situations.

All of these mechanisms, conflict, reciprocal relationships, over and under functioning, physical and/or emotional symptoms and projection of worries into the next generation may be activated as anxiety rises due to any kind of stressful event that disturbs the status quo.

Bowen developed a scale of differentiation to describe the range in functioning. He especially focused on fusion and the togetherness force (controlling others or giving way to others) can lead to a regression for self and less ability to adapt and grow.

Separating a self emotionally, while staying connected to others, or putting others into togetherness and getting self outside, is the essence of de-triangling. It is a very difficult and challenging disciplined path to take. However, over time this kind of process does result in higher levels of emotional maturity for those who are willing to step outside the controlling and sometimes even comforting control of the triangle. For some it is worth the price to have more interpersonal freedom and a bit of joy.

Differentiation of self is the only effort which has been describd by Dr. Bowen as a way through these multigenerational triangles. At the end of this paper I have put a few of Dr. Bowen’s quotes about this process. One of his off the cuff explanations of detriangling was, “ Put your parents back together and get yourself out. “

Since the time of Adam, Eve and the snake we have seen over and over just how automatically the triangle works. Two are momentarily together and one is out.  When the outsider gives in, as he has been in essence manipulated and seduced into going along with the others, all hell breaks loose.  A regression of biblical proportions takes place.  Adam was not able to keep his promise not eat the apple. Principles sound good and even noble till one is bullied in a triangle.  Some of us might think that “It’s not me with the snake” or “That’s not me being the snake” or “Poor old Adam is just a little blind, but I’m not”. We are all doing it, joining, rejecting, influencing, punishing and being punished.  We may feel how others try and do influence us, but not know what to do about it. We may not notice how we are picking on others or joining and going with others to put down or build up others thereby impacting our own status.  The way in which people are able to control another is so subtle and so amazingly innocent and so very easy to talk about but so very hard to notice in real time.

Once we can accept the subtly and innocence of triangles then it is possible we can see them.  This method of observing self in relationships tries to dispense with the blame or guilt that often can blind us to seeing the impersonal and automatic machinations of the system.  Which of course is the way Mother Nature designed the system. Why not just marvel at how nature works to distribute anxiety in a system? Amazing, isn’t it?

If you get the idea of standing alone and no one is on your side well then there is still the down side of success to consider. Be careful of the kiss of togetherness.  Be careful about saying to yourself (or worse, to others), “Look how clever I am.”  The avoidance of love and approval can safeguard you from false pride and intense needs for others. We are programed to be blind to relationship influence and therefore we stumble along doing our best.

Systems will encounter too much anxiety and so as nature must show us, the parts begin to break down. It’s no ones fault, it’s just sometimes too much stuff.  Stuff happens, people die, they suffer.  People lose the ability to cooperate and solve problems. Trust is lost and misunderstandings, blame, guilt and isolation begin to dominate the relationship landscape. Stumbling along requires us to think carefully about how we might begin to restore trust and cooperation in a system by changing the way we participate in the system.

In ancient China irrationality was encouraged as a way for individuals to regain the ability to cooperate and reestablish trust. It sounds counterintuitive, but being irrational does force you to draw the negative focus, so be prepared. You draw the energy towards yourself in an effort not to give in to the demands of the system to keep the status quo going. It is not easy to separate yourself from all others and to be cool in the face of rejection and criticism.

It is so very hard to see the advantage of breaking up family patterns, when you are the focus of negativity. Perhaps a little inner voice will remind you and say, “ Come on, it’s worth it. We’re outside the system and we have freedom to not be coerced.”  Of course there is a price to pay for doing this.

Bowen wrote about a person over 65 on the scale of differentiation who could say and do things without getting people upset.  I consider this an ideal to move towards. Most of us will still pay to be more open to be more self defined because the system wants you as you were and is always prepared to put up a fight to keep you there.

Since each of us passes on anxiety in some way or another the system becomes “unethical” in that some are absorbing more anxiety than others.  Some may be willing to sacrifice for others. But many sacrifice because the emotional process began early on to program them so that they see themselves as “the problem”.

There have been many attempts to explain how to live a better life and how to become a more mature person. Bowen added to this by clarifying with the emotional system was and what was the nature of the individual who was willing to be mote separate from others. In the Chinese philosophy of wu-wei. “The Way” describes how one begins to move self in a system that had become uncooperative and unethical.  Emotions seem irrational in the short term but if emotions are sincere they demonstrate “The Way” to restore virtue and values.  Spontaneous irrationality can be threatening to self and others, or it can be clever like posing paradoxes or speaking to others using in reversals. They all force the system to reorganize.

One example of an unregulated system and a way of responding that breaks the pattern is described in the following ancient Chinese story. The farmer promises his son 5 chickens for a day’s work. The son chops wood all day but the father insists that the son’s work is worth only 3 chickens. Should the son accept his father’s assessment of the value of his work and in so doing, encourage his father’s dominant behavior? The son believes it is not virtuous to encourage this behavior in his father.   If the son displays irrational indignation in his objections, the father may think twice and give him the 5 chickens. Virtue and cooperation are restored.  Of course in this story we do not hear about any triangles or the mother’s part in this situation.  She is silent but we know she must be feeling sorry for the son, angry at the father or some other variation on these ancient patterns of human interaction.

“Very basic social interactions cannot work unless there are powerful emotions lurking in the background keeping everyone honest.”[1]   Robert Frank at Cornell showed that old-cognition or rational self-interest was incapable of establishing trust, whereas human emotion is the only way to keep people honest. In the Confusion and Daoist schools, wu-wei describes the state of mind of an effortless and spontaneous state.

“”Wu-Wei” is sometimes compared to being like a pivot or hinge. The behavior points at the center from which one can respond to every change, to every eventuality.” [2] Here the mind is capable of producing great art, or a brilliant insight from a highly integrated state of great harmony.

The ideas of wu-wei were produced in the 3rd to 5th centuries BC, a time of great wars and transformations. Bowen theory was developed following WW II, a time of change and social upheaval. Both wu-wei and the ideas of de-triangling and differentiation of self offer paths to a release from the controlling ways of the emotional system and allow the possibility of greater cooperation with others.

Bowen theory points to the effort to be emotionally separate from the interlocking triangles. The effort is full of many small steps. One can begin anywhere by simply defining one’s self and boundaries humorously. This lack of blame and greater ease, demonstrates that one is available to interact freely without threat. Taking steps to be less caught in triangles, where the primitive state exists in which two are comfortable while the third is suffering, is where freedom is earned.

The individual is a more mature and differentiated self. More energy is directed into changing self than towards others. A more mature person is less dependent on others and therefore knows what to do spontaneously in order to deal with the challenges in both the family and in the larger social systems.  Spontaneous behavior is hard to fake.

 

A Few Bowen Quotes on Triangles and Differentiation of Self

Theoretically, the experience with families adds increasing conviction to the belief that schizophrenia will eventually be explained as an emotional phenomenon if we conceive of an emotional process involving multiple generations. Schizophrenia is as fixed and rigid in the father-mother-patient triad as in the patient, but there is evidence to indicate that the process can be reversed in the family ego mass in which the parents grew up if members of the family of origin are available for therapy. Notes: I prefer to use the word “triad in one” because it designates one component of the family ego mass. Bowen, Murray; Bowen, Murray (1993-12-01). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice (p. 145). Jason Aronson, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

 

This will be discussed under “detriangling the triangle.” From experience with this therapeutic system, there are two main avenues toward a higher level of “differentiation of self.” (1) The optimum is differentiation of a self from one’s spouse, as a cooperative effort, in the presence of a potential “triangle” (therapist) who can remain emotionally detached. To me, this is the “magic” of family psychotherapy. They must be sufficiently involved with each other to stand the stress of “differentiation” and sufficiently uncomfortable to motivate the effort. One, and then the other, moves forward in small steps until motivation stops. Bowen, Murray; Bowen, Murray (1993-12-01). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice (p. 175). Jason Aronson, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

 

After several years of symptom-relieving methods, including working with various combinations of family members, I began what I have called “detriangling the triangle.” This is too complex for brief discussion but it involves helping one parent to establish an “I” position and to “differentiate a self” in the relationship with the child. If there is another “magic” in family psychotherapy, it is the family response when one parent can begin to “differentiate a self” from the amorphous “we-ness” of the intense undifferentiated family ego mass.

One bit of clearly defined “self” in this area of amorphousness can bring a period of amazing calm. The calm may quickly shift to other issues, but the family is different. The other parent and child fuse together into a more intense oneness that alternately attacks and pleads with the “differentiating parent” to rejoin the oneness. If the differentiating one can maintain a reasonable “I” for even a few days, there is an automatic decrease in the intensity of the attachment between the other two and a permanent decrease in the intensity of the triangle. The second step Bowen, Murray; Bowen, Murray (1993-12-01). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice (p. 180). Jason Aronson, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

In broad terms, the concept is one of withdrawing psychic energy from the other and investing it in the poorly defined ego boundaries. It involves the idea of “getting off the back” of the other by reducing the “other directed” thinking, verbal, action energy which is designed to attack and change the other, and directing that energy to the changing of self. The changing of “self” involves finding a way to listen to the attacks of the other without responding, of finding a way to live with “what is” without trying to change it, of defining one’s own beliefs and convictions without attacking those of the other, and in observing the part that self plays in the situation. Bowen, Murray; Bowen, Murray (1993-12-01). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice (p. 178). Jason Aronson, Inc.. Kindle Edition..

Two important variables in triangles. One deals with the level of “differentiation of self.” The other variable deals with the level of anxiety or emotional tension in the system. The higher the anxiety, the more intense the automatic triangling in the system. The lower the level of differentiation in the involved people, the more intense the triangling. The higher the level of differentiation, the more the people have control over the emotional process. In periods of low anxiety, the triangling may be so toned down it is not clinically present. In calm periods, the triangle consists of a two-person togetherness and an outsider. The togetherness is the preferred position. The triangle is rarely in a state of optimum emotional comfort for all three. The most uncomfortable one makes a move to improve his optimum level of emotional closeness-distance. This upsets the equilibrium of another who attempts to adjust his optimum level. Bowen, Murray; Bowen, Murray (1993-12-01). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice (p. 307). Jason Aronson, Inc.. Kindle Edition

The over-all goal was to help family members become “system experts” who could know the family system so well that the family could readjust itself without the help of an outside expert, if and when the family system was again stressed. Bowen, Murray; Bowen, Murray (1993-12-01). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice (p. 157). Jason Aronson, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[1]  Trying not to Try: the Art and Science of Spontaneity by Edward Slingerland, p 77

[2]  Trying not to Try: the Art and Science of Spontaneity by Edward Slingerland, p 159