Part of the reason I wanted to write my memoir was to capture my family and the emotional process at work so I could better manage myself. This would be to say I used the common sense ideas from Bowen’s Theory to find a way to relate to my brother Butch. And, of course, many other people were challenging for me to relate to, so I was interested in learning how to relate to all kinds of people.
Then I saw Dr. Bowen as using tricks and traps to challenge everyone. I think we were all research subjects for him. Once he said to those in the postgraduates something like, “All of you are like dogs to me. I want to see how high you can jump. If you can jump this high well, then I will make the fence a little higher and see who among you can jump the fence.”
To me, Bowen was a genius. He did not have time to write down all he was discovering; therefore, he had to live it out and see if people might catch on.
I can recall many challenging things Bowen used to say. The way I saw it was that Bowen was making a disciplined effort to maintain his connection and his separateness from others, to be neutral, and to care. With my camera, I could watch more interactions. That is watching to see what people are doing and saying. I would tell Bowen about the challenges I had in relating to people and he used to say things like, “If I had your problem, I’m not sure what I would do about it.”
Now to me, that was real honest. I felt better about not knowing what to do; if Bowen did not know well, OK then.
Overall, as clear as I can get about the “THREAT,” or the fear of not being able to communicate with others, it comes down to if you’re not with me, well, then you are against me, and one of us is going to die. When there seems to be no way to communicate, a threat arises.
I also think it’s hard to accept the responsibility of knowing what to do; when your mind gets anxious and frozen, how much can you know in a state of fear? So easy to put your head in the sand. Bowen also said people come up with the darndest solutions to things. I might never think of the ideas they have.
Bowen respected people’s ability to figure stuff out – more or less but people were blind to what they were doing. ON one of the Bowen Kerr video series, Boowen starts to complain that I am letting people in to watch videotapes, and I am not asking them what they got out of it. I was too easy on these students in his public view. Smack them on one side and kiss them on the other, and that was the way he did it.
What I saw was Bowen standing by somebody, laughing, having ideas or none, or sometimes accusing people of being People Pleasers, telling me what to do, and then telling complicated stories. People were not going to get away with things but he was including himself first. he used to ask how much of this problem communicating has to do with me and how much with others. Well, I will try one more time.” And so he did. Bowen had a very different way of observing and thinking than if you’re programmed to know what others should do. Once he told me that I was the reason he smoked. Then I said, “OK.” But how about if I am responsible for what you’re doing wrong? I get some credit for what you’re doing right. ” I was trying to make my relationship wiht him more even. If he tricked me I could trick him. That only took a few years to learn.
When my brain got stuck, I used to throw the I Ching and let the universe tell me what to do. Even mysterious solutions would free me to think for myself. Get free, and now what…
Overall, I would say Bowen had a way of using words and telling stories that allowed you to see the problem you were in. I think the use of the word “cage” would be a good example of how one word allows you to see the issues that you’re stuck with. Bowen was a genius at seeing things like – how people were stuck, which gave people greater ability to get out of these triple binds, or to dislike him.
Last story for the moment. Voice of America wanted to interview Bowen about this new thing called family therapy. They set up all the equipment and began to ask questions and Bowen did not answer one question the interviewer asked. Bowen simply told a story about what was on his mind. Freud did not understand evolution. The interviewer wanted to know how is this “family therapy’ going to help me. As they packed up to leave, the guy looked at me and said Bowen had issues. I laughed.