Insight Garden Program
4.4: Family Systems
Section 1
Purpose: To empower participants to OBSERVE and then reflect on their role in the family and to understand that by making changes to self, while relating well to important others in the family system, the system will over time change.
(I always start with the idea that we are learning to be observers of a system, which we are a part of. To do this takes time, as it is really challenging for each of us to alter the way the brain automatically responds. First, the automatic brain tells us who is to blame and so we enter a blame game-individual thinking world. One has to be aware of this and be willing to learn self restraint, in order to be different in an emotional system).
Big Idea: What is the”aha” or key take away?
It only takes one person who is observant and can mange self, to over time shift a family system.
Learning Goals:
What are the results that participants will demonstrate in this lesson?
● Participants will build an understanding that a family is a system (which overly influenced their reactive behavior and they are still vulnerable to social clues from new people especially in prison), and that their own personal changes (building self awareness and self restraint) can affect the system. As one does not participate in the old ways one creates a new ability to have humor and relate differently to people. The goal is to be connected to others but to stand aside from reacting as programmed.
What are the key learning’s (what content should participants learn from this lesson)?
● Participants will develop an understanding of families as systems and how families produce both vulnerabilities and strengths in us.
● Identify and describe patterns and triggers that elicit can elicit reaction vs. clever response (to stay calm in the face of an anxious system, to not take sides , to stand alone.)
What are the key skills participants should take home from this session?
● Becoming a better observer of relationships shifts to talk to others more openly about what ones sees and thinks.
● To prepare for rejection of your ideas without upset.
● To enjoy getting back to others later and not spill your guts.
● To see how our sensitivity is built on family experiences.
● To find new people to relate to in your family.
● To find new ways to relate to important others in your family.
● To be clear as to how gaining greater personal autonomy comes from being more emotionally separate from the primitive emotional family system
What are the key attitudes participants should learn in this session?
● Awareness
● Self restraint
● Openness
● Patience — recognize that all change is self change, change is a process (garden metaphor) not an event, and that real change takes time.
CLASS PREP:
● Family systems handout, how to diagram your three generational family
Section 2: Session Plan
# WHAT TIME PROCESS for Delivery
MATERIALS
1 Transition
10 WELCOME AND REVIEW
Last week we looked at triggers and how we sometimes make assumptions and react without having all the facts, using the Ladder of Inference as a tool to understand how we do that.
ASK:
● Who recalls what the steps are on the Ladder of Inference?
○ First rung – Select data (facts)
○ Second rung – Make assumptions based on beliefs, past experiences (can involve strong emotions)
○ Third rung – Draw conclusions
○ Fourth rung – Take action
● Who had an “aha” about how you get triggered and could manage your strong emotions or reactions differently?
● Were you able to reflect on and identify any family members you might be triggered by?
Remember in Arc 1 when we discussed Systems Theory and one of the small group break-outs was about family? This week we are going to look further at our families as systems and how changes in your behavior can help shift the family — how we can practice “Gardening the Family System!”
2 Activation 10 SELF REFLECTION/MEDITATION
● Have PTs close their eyes and take a few deep breaths, getting comfortable in their chairs, leaving behind them any cares or concerns they may have brought into the room.
● Start by repeating this garden metaphor: “Plant good seeds and tend them. Plant good ideas and feed them.”
● Ask participants to meditate on one seed they have received from their family, something useful or insightful. (Pause)
● Now have PTs meditate on a seed that they wished they had received from their family. (Pause).
Possible family seed examples: confidence, advice on how to save money, responsibility, honesty
FULL GROUP SHARE
● Go around the room, have PTs say name and share the seed they received or wished they’d received (or both) during the meditation.
3 Warm-Up 15 REFLECTION
For a moment, think of a difficult or challenging interaction or scenario in your family growing up that was repeated multiple times, that you could call a “pattern.” This might be something between you and your siblings, between your siblings and your caregivers, you and your caregivers, and/or you and your kids. Or it could be something you saw between your caregivers that you tried to remove yourself from, but then saw emerging with your own partner or spouse. Sometimes the scenario repeats itself in several of these relationships.
POPCORN SHARE
● Ask a couple of PTs to share their scenario.
4a Interactive Presentation 1 10
DISCUSS A FAMILY SYSTEMS VIEW
What makes a family a system? (get input from group)
The family has roles, norms, behaviors and patterns that are learned and supported through generations.
Ask for examples.
FAMILY SYSTEMS SUMMARY
● Every family is a multi-generational system with ingrained reaction and response patterns.
● Some of the ‘seeds’ of behavior we grew up with have a positive effect on us, others not so much.
● People in a family system can often unconsciously pass their stress/anxiety to other members of the system. This can be done through blaming, transferring guilt, drawing others into the drama, gossip, acting out, withdrawal, addiction, etc.
● Just as one new seed or plant introduced can change a whole garden system through time, so too can one person consciously shift behavior in a family and impact the whole system. This is done by changing our own responses to challenging family patterns and dynamics.
ASK: Who is aware of how they get triggered and can react somewhat automatically/unconsciously when engaged with close family members, or friends who are like close family? Ask for PTs to share about this if they care to.
● Most of the time we’re not conscious of the impact our family has on us or mindful of how we react to them. Families are our greatest work (and sometimes greatest challenge) because we are literally “From them.”
● Once we examine which roles, behaviors and patterns we have inherited from our family system, we can practice making conscious, mindful choices to respond differently.
Write examples on flipchart paper.
Write examples of triggering situations on flipchart.
4b Interactive Presentation 2 15 TOOLS FOR CHANGE:
Today we’ll talk about a few ways we can work to shift how we participate in the family system.
● Differentiation – ASK: Does anyone want to say what they think this is? (Take answers, then describe. See Section 3 for details.
ASK: why is it important to speak from the “I” vs. the “You” when engaging with family members? (reminder — we are responsible for how we show up, not others).
● Dare to speak your truth – differentiating means finding the courage to handle the discomfort of speaking your truth even it if means upsetting someone or getting a difficult response from them. When we over-accommodate others, we give up part of ourself. Differentiating from the family system is about getting access to our whole self in relationship to family. Cutting off emotionally from difficult relationships is also a reaction, not a response)
● Boundaries – Who can tell us about the importance of setting boundaries in relationships? It’s important to still remain in communication with and available to other members of the family even as we are differentiating and setting boundaries.
● Diversification – broadening one’s connections to other family members to get more data about family, understand patterns through generations, and practice differentiation.
ASK: Where else have we talked about the importance of diversity? (Answer: In a permaculture system, where plants do better in a diverse growing environment as opposed to a mono-culture.)
Write Tools for Change on flipchart.
5/6 Discussion/Learning Activity 10 BREAK OUT INTO DYADS (5 min. each)
Have PTs turn to someone next to them.
In this exercise we’ll be taking turns discussing and answering questions about a family situation in which we get triggered. The person doing the listening will use techniques we discussed in the Arc 3 lesson on Communication, such as:
● listens with full attention and respect
● lets go of assumptions if they arise
● resists the urge to fix, problem-solve, or give advice.
Speaker #1 answers the first question, then speaker #2 two answers the first question:
1. Identify one or two family members or a close friend/s with whom you have or have had a difficult/challenging relationship (recurring triggers). Share as much about the dynamic as you are comfortable. Try to express the background behind the trigger, and how you feel when it happens.
Speaker #1 answers the second question, then speaker #2 two answers the second question:
2. Explore ways you might be able to better differentiate yourself (or set boundaries) with the person who you might be triggered by, in order to react less and be more mindful of your response.
Suggestions for way to differentiate/separate self:
● Refrain from arguing, defending, attacking, criticizing, diagnosing another (and speak from “I,” not “you.”
● When attacked by another, “differentiate” and take a breath. Depersonalize.
● Put your interest/focus on the other and ask why they are reacting so strongly, rather than getting caught in a reaction yourself.
● Don’t go along with demands, whether directly or indirectly stated.
TRANSITION FROM LEARNING ACTIVITY WITH FULL GROUP REPORT BACK AND TIPS ON DIFFERENTIATION…
This discussion will be reviewed and expanded in the homework assignment
7 Ending/
Expectations 10 METTA MEDITATION- FULL GROUP (3 minutes)
It can be stressful to come into conflict with people close to us. Step back and offer ourselves and our loved ones compassion regardless of the type family dynamics.
Now we’ll do a brief version of the Metta Meditation we introduced in Arc 3, about “loving kindness.”
Close your eyes and repeat inwardly:
● May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful and at ease. Contemplate this phrase for 30 seconds, allowing yourself to sink into the intentions they express.
● Now think of someone you are fond of and repeat these phrases inserting their name: May … be happy. May they be well. May they be safe. May they be peaceful and at ease. Contemplate this phrase for 30 seconds, allowing yourself to sink into the intentions they express.
● Now repeat this with someone with whom you have challenges or conflict. May … be happy. May they be well. May they be safe. May they be peaceful and at ease. Contemplate this phrase for 30 seconds, allowing yourself to sink into the intentions they express.
● Repeat one more time for your family: May my family be happy. May they be well. May they be safe. May they be peaceful and at ease. Contemplate this phrase for 30 seconds, allowing yourself to sink into the intentions they express.
ACTION ITEMS
Journal on the following:
● When I am triggered, how can I manage self in relationship to family or friends? (different ways of responding)
● Do some research on your family system, if possible. Ask members of your family to tell you what they about people in your family through the generations. Look for patterns in behavior.
● When you’ve identified a couple of patterns, reflect on your place in the system and what methods you can practice to shift how you react in the patterns.
READ QUOTE: “Families are way more complicated than a game of chess. It takes a long time to recognize the formation of various patterns and what you might do to make more of an impact. Think about how long it takes to deeply understand our extended families, since the family’s rules have never been written down or in many cases clarified. For those willing to take the higher road to a stronger, better defined Self, the history of relationships tells what one is up against, and where one might be able to find chances to grow Self in altering old relationship patterns.”
— Andrea Maloney Schara