Tom died November 10, 2021, over 10 months ago. We had been a pair for 53 years, married for 48 of them, parents together for 38 years. In the early days of my loss I hypothesized that the task before me in would be adjusting towards regulating myself in the areas where I had been regulated by the relationship between Tom and me. At the same time there would be shifts in the family and my position in it that would require me to define myself outside the emotional process or be regulated by the shifts. What follows here are some of my thoughts about all this so far.
I’m okay, doing my best learning to live without Tom. I’m trying to collect my thoughts about it. It’s hard to do it justice but an important piece is how Tom was the most significant part of the family system that I respond to, am regulated by and am challenged to define myself in. And now without him present I am challenged to shift to more self-regulation or being regulated by a shift towards others and, realistically, a combination of both. I’m grateful to others who help by being present and I deeply miss Tom.
There’s a purely sensate level to the loss reflecting the persistence of the conditioned emotional interdependence that referred to the reality of patterned relationship which is now challenged by Tom’s physical absence. I think that’s the basis of the wordless yearning — of just wanting that back. What is the time it will take to decondition the automatic neural routines in my brain about when I would expect to see Tom, to be aware of his presence to feel his proximity. I think its related to all the ways in which physiology is organized between mated pairs and is part of the automatic patterns that connect one to the other. Often memories that focus on the sensate presence of Tom are a comfort and a sad recognition that he is not here, all at once. Bobbie Cristofori (Holt) wrote about this aspect of adjusting to loss. A recent book called this is your brain on grief describes physiological processes underlying attachment and the long term process of learning that modifies the emotional circuits within self that no longer reflect an objective reality with another living person.
I’ve wondered about crying and what it is. There are the waves of grief as many now observe. The eponymous philosophies of suffering assert that pain is a teacher. I’ve thought that crying is like a labor pain. Does it reflect emotional recognition of the profound change while releasing some of the tension involved? The emotional source of the underlying anguish can form a question, is it something to be accepted or changed?
Losing the resource of the functional interdependence I had with my husband. When I was unsure of myself, I often would do what Tom thought and there were times when I did not like the outcome. How much did this cost me/him/us? Now I have to decide alone and cannot depend on him. Except, I might draw inspiration for guiding principles thinking about what he would have said or thought and in that way the relationship with him continues to be a regulating pattern for me. The patterns between us persist in how I remember him. My decision has been to continue from the life we built together going forward.
The importance of others in adjusting to my husband’s death. I have prioritized contact with others over goal directed pursuits. I say yes and extend myself in ways I haven’t needed to before. Is this my level of differentiation? I have no desire to fight what my level might require.
Thinking broadly in term of natural systems is a value implied in the theory. I saw an online ad recently that declared acceptance of death is unnatural, and it asked would you live forever if you had the chance? Richard Powers, author of the Overstory, a novel based on the underground ecology of the forest, is one who makes evocative observations of how in nature death furthers life. We automatically prioritize our own survival and that of those we love and depend on. A metric reflective of systems thinking might be to ask how the individual’s life and death furthers the future of the family. Death is essential for life to continue. When is the best time to die, for self and the group? What does an individual’s death signify about the system it occurs in?
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In a study of family reaction to death I concluded that following death the family system will intensify its use of existing mechanisms to manage the anxiety increased or unbound by the death. This is part of the work ahead for the living—to decide what to do about this if anything.
The prescription from theory: Work towards differentiation as one focusses on the relationship system and oneself in it. This is the simple framework for living a life balanced between the requirements of individuality and togetherness – responsibility for self and to others. When the challenges, stresses and symptoms increase, pull up one’s functional level of self by looking at the relationship system and self in it and identify the patterns that are automatic Then think to a point of clarity of what to prioritize and act on it. Repeat, and repeat, and repeat and repeat.
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Laura,
Thank you for this beautifully written meditation on life and death. I think your reflection that death is a necessary part of life is realistic and true. It is obvious but not always thought or expressed. Throughout your essay runs the theme of adapting to life as it changes. I remember hearing many years ago that Buddha said that life is impermanent, but only in recent years has it come home more to me. I appreciate the challenge to adapt to whatever is, as life inevitably changes. Thank you for your words Repeat, repeat, repeat, for this is what is called for; not to give up the effort to be a self each day, even in the face of change that can seem bewildering or hard.
Laurie
Thanks for your thoughts Laurie. I guess if I had a better way I would use it. I’m thinking of Bowen in his last words to the counselors about when you have decided on what you think is the best way to go, do your best with it. I just don’t know what else to do other than that.
Laura,
Thank you for this rich set of observations and reflections on your experience of losing Tom after a long marriage. I think that lasting marriages themselves are a source of wonder. You capture the depth of the love between you and Tom in the way you describe what it is to live with his absence. I also discovered Bobbie Cristofori Holt’s article, and used it as a guide to living through the loss of divorce. Her thought about how one regulates self physiologically through the cues of presence of the other, and the subsequent void left by the his absence, resonated with me. One other memory came to mind as I read your essay. It is of Paul MacLean, the noted neuroscientist, who came to Chicago in 1991 for a CFC meeting. With tears, he spoke of the cruelty of the fact that attachment inevitably brings separation. He was thinking about what it would be to lose his wife.
I have thought of you these past ten months, Laura, and I am glad to know you are doing well, and most grateful for your reflections.
Thanks Stephanie. I consider my marriage one way in which I’ve been lucky. I can just imagine Paul MacLean feeling the inevitable separation following attachment as he imagines it. I guess the emotionality of it is cruel, it’s certainly visceral and difficult. And also mysterious.
Laura,
Sorry to learn about Tom’s death.
I hope that I can have even half the courage you show in your essay.
Jim Edd
Thanks Jim Edd. Dr. Bowen once said something to me like “you can be bigger than the system, can’t you? “. I said I hope so. I keep trying anyway.
Yes, Laura, that is a lovely thoughtful way of describing being, seeing, and living the loss of Tom. I can see how marriage must regulate the physiology and psychology between the two. It is so interesting since I live alone. Of course, this still applies, if I live with someone, I am more concerned about the time I have to do my own thing. It is a tug of war and therefore the reason I am cautious about living with others. But then you lose the positive sense of being and working on getting along with the others. As you noted there is a cost and a benefit. But it seems to me that sometimes you choose who you will live with, but you do not get to choose the death of the other or what you must do to adapt to that unchosen reality. It is interesting to adapt to making a new life…
and for me to be one of your friends that gets to walk along with you.
Thanks Andrea – glad to have you along as I adapt to a new life.
Many fine stories like this have come my way me recently. Each related to the loss of a spouse in a long-term stable marriage. Each spoke of a surprising physical dimension to grief. A foggy feeling was noted. Thoughts like “What is wrong with me?”. It’s helpful to hear news from where I am headed. I am very aware of my dependency on my wife Sarah. It is both humbling and strangely enjoyable too. Perhaps the humility is enjoyable, if that makes any sense.
It makes sense to me Erik. I think humility is part of a broad perspective which is comfortable and absent of fruitless striving. Interdependence is fundamental in our lives as living beings. Pretend this isn’t so at one’s own peril I say!